I'm really hoping I can get it all done today so I can truly have it all marked off my to-do list before December arrives on Wednesday. I got a good chunk of our Christmas cards signed and addressed while on the road this weekend, but still have a ways to go with those. Otherwise, I'm ready for you, Christmas!
So in other news, you may've already caught my tweets from earlier this week, but it looks like this first IVF cycle is a bust. We tested Wednesday night, and then like a million times more over the weekend, and all were negative. I realize it's still "early" - and yes, my blood test is still on for tomorrow a.m. and anything's possible - but I'm pretty darn sure we have our answer here. It was definitely a bummer... it's just hard to go through all of that intensity and come out empty-handed. Or empty uterus, I guess. I suppose dot didn't find it so homey there and left the building. Sorry, dot... we tried! But the good thing is, we are NOT empty-handed here. We have at least 14 frozens waiting for us, which we are so grateful for - and certainly now!
I did not *expect* to get the job done on the first try but oh, we were so hopeful. I just prayed for peace, as I always do, before taking that first test Wednesday night. I didn't pray for a positive, I just prayed for peace. And I was fine. Disappointed, yes, but OK. That is until we ran by my parents' house Thanksgiving morning to drop off Belly before heading out of town... we had to tell them the news. I couldn't get it out of my mouth. Totally did not foresee this happening as I had been completely fine talking about it with the hub since the night before. But when I get around other family, especially my parents who are so invested (literally) in this, I remember there are others I'm disappointing here. And I KNOW they're not disappointed in me - of course not. But it's hard not to feel like you keep letting the wannabe-dad and wannabe-grandparents down. So anyway, I went to the bathroom while over there and as I was washing my hands, I just lost it. It was the first time I let myself cry over it and I was a blubbering fool.
Luckily, the hub managed to tell my parents about our negative pee stick while I was in the bathroom, so they knew why I was such a mess when I came out. So yeah, I had my good cry on Thanksgiving morning. But tears aside, you must know we truly are so grateful for the little babes on ice that await us. While going through this mess, I've connected with other IVF'ers all over the world via Twitter. It's amazing how widely people's results vary. It has become VERY clear that we are so, so blessed to have any frozens at all, not to mention 14+! My ovaries seriously kick ass. We just need to get my uterus in gear.
But again, thank you all so much for following along on this journey and encouraging me with every step! After my results tomorrow, I'm sure we'll get word on next steps. I'm guessing they'll have me sit out one cycle to let the meds get out of my system before gearing up for a frozen cycle in January. And OH, please let that frozen cycle work because I don't think I can handle doing a fresh cycle during tax season! I might die, get fired, or both! But hey, whatever we have to do - if the frozen cycle blows and we have to wait till April to start again, so be it. I just have to keep reminding myself: God's timing is perfect. Because it is. I know he's not making us wait without reason. (Just wish I freaking knew the reason!)
Alright, y'all... gotta get back to wrapping! And we're going to make some chili, so I've gotta get that going soon. Enjoy what's left of the weekend! I know I'm gonna! I'll let you all know what we find out from the doctor tomorrow...
10 comments:
I'm so sorry! I know those feelings all too well. It's such a roller coaster. One minute ok, the next devastated. I'm hurting for and with you.
LOVE you, Bestie! I was just saying the other day after your test how in awe I am of your positive attitude and strong faith. You amaze me! I am so very proud of you!! XOXO
Thinking of you and Scott!!! And, sometimes it is good to have "a good, cleansing cry" about it too. Hugs!!! You really do have such peace about this Amanda. And having your ups and downs with the emotions is natural too! Love, hugs, and prayers for you guys! LOVE YOU!!!! Pammy
I am so sorry to hear Dot didn't stick around. I am glad you had a good cry about it because we all need that with the stress at times.
I am so very sorry. I love your attitude--you are such an inspiration to all of us who are going through this. Hang in there:).
I'm so sorry it didn't work this first time around, but man, your attitude has got to count for something. I am always amazed by your positivity. I am so glad you do have so many "waiting in the wings." I have a dear friend just ahead of you in this cycle whose only viable embryos did not implant. They didn't have any to freeze. :( So incredibly hard this crap is, huh? I'm just so glad you have MAJOR reason to hope! Continuing to pray for you!
(Oh and your house looks GREAT - love that tree!)
I won't say, "wasn't meant to be"...because I hate that saying. I'll just say, "Better luck next go around and the house looks fab!".
It ain't over until the fat blood test sings. They say the home preggy tests are no good for in vitro. I didn't even do one. Then I got the call we were pregnant! Don't count it out! Even if not this time, and believe me I know how hard this is, you are making eggs! You will have a baby! You will be a mother! Eyes on the prize!
I'm sorry to hear that it didn't work out. I've been following your story and I think your positive attitude and faith are such an inspiration! Hang in there and know we're all rooting for you!
Big hugs! Been thinking of you all weekend.... anxious to hear what your next steps are.
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