Thursday, April 29, 2010

What if I never get what I want?

Am I really OK with that? 
So this week (April 24-May 1) is National Infertility Awareness Week.  And y'all know I have a jacked up uterus, so I kind of feel obligated to "participate."  Trouble is, I'm currently in one of my not-so-warm-and-fuzzy seasons with this mess.  Bitter and pissed is more like it.  Which I really hate being, by the way.  Generally speaking, I do have a good outlook on where we are, good perspective, yada yada yada.  God has a plan.  Bibbidy bobbidy boo.  But these days I'm just pretending not to care because I can't really do anything about it right now except watch dust collect in our empty nursery.


We're still trying to nail down a full time job for the hub, so today all my energies are there.  Truthfully, we could move forward with our last IUI attempt now - it's not the cash situation that's holding us back.  It's my head.  This will be our final IUI attempt before moving on to the big leagues (IVF and potentially a 3rd surgery), so I want us to be able to give it everything we've got.  And I just can't get my head fully in the game till we've got the job situation squared away.  I may be able to multi-task, but I can only focus on one major life change at a time!  So I think a lot of my anger right now comes from just... sitting still.


I feel like we've turned so many corners over the last couple of years where we came around saying, "I think this is it!"  As in, here comes our big break!  Only to find out we're just starting down a new stretch of road, indefinitely.  Time grows slower and patience wears thin.  And I wonder if we'll ever get there.  And you know, it's not as if I *need* to have a baby on my hip right now.  It's just the not-knowing that sucks.  I love life with my husband and really am thankful for these years we've had together just us.  A lot of our friends never had that time.  But as we get older, more and more of our friends are "crossing over."  I even had a little circle of infertiles I could gripe with, but most of them have crossed over too.  And they of course know my pain and will probably never forget it, but they're on the other side now... wiping up spit.  It's not the same anymore.


Most of my friends are on their 2nd and 3rd kids now.  I mean hell, I'm 32.  Just because I haven't gotten it done, doesn't mean they haven't been busy the last 7 or 8 years.  And speaking honestly, one of my biggest dreads or fears right now is the thought of one or both of two specific friends of mine getting pregnant.  It's inevitable... one I know for sure is trying.  And I hate, hate, hate that I feel this way.  It breaks my heart that I know I won't be jumping up and down when I get that call.  How am I going to handle it?  I don't want to not participate in such an important time in a best friend's life.  But how do I do it?  I don't want to hold anyone back from living life but I selfishly want to handcuff my childless friends to me and make them stay that way till I can join them.  It's going to crush me and I don't know what to do.


But...  despite my mental eye-rolling at cute pregnant girls and urges to throw cement blocks at the TV when diaper commercials come on, I've never been angry at God.  In fact I think a lot of my current 'tude is directly connected to my lack of closeness with God right now.  If I could chart these "seasons," as I call them, I have no doubt that they'd be right in tune with my spiritual seasons.  And I'll just go ahead and blame work for this latest dip.  Y'all know the hub and I are very involved in church but with my work load in the weeks leading up to 4/15, I ended up putting a lot of my "God time" on the back burner.  I missed several small group sessions and hadn't kept up with our studies for those.  Missed several Sundays at church lately.  And here we are... angry at the freakin' world.  We went to a special night of worship last week at church and I prayed when I got there.  I told God that I just honestly wasn't with it.  He was going to have to come the extra mile because I just wasn't feeling it.  He met me there.  And I know what I need to do... so I'm working on that and I know the peace will follow.  These valleys are normal.  It's just part of the journey.


I know I want to be a mom.  I'm not exactly sure what that looks like.  If I could pick and choose my fortune?  Sure, I could come up with something.  But I think I'm so far past that idea that I'm willing to take whatever is given me.   I don't really think about not getting what I want.  Because I guess I'm not allowing myself to define that anymore.  Not specifically anyway...  I'm trying whole-heartedly to put my wants, my fears, my insecurities -- all of that -- into God's inbox.  Let me not be fearful of the unknown.  But let me be in a position to experience God and his plan for us.  I'm looking to him instead of that empty room.  God's hand in this - his timing, his plan - it is perfect.  And I know he put this desire in my heart.  So why should I be fearful of not becoming a mom?


It's a daily decision... placing that trust in God's hands.  It's a prayer I've failed to pray lately, but I know it works because I've lived it.


What if you took hold of those hopes, dreams, and fears and handed them to God?  Time to start.



For more on infertility and NIAW, please pop by here.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Woo hoo!

My out-of-office assistant was officially turned on yesterday afternoon. I'm off today and tomorrow and then we have a leadership conference thingee outside the office on Monday and Tuesday... so I won't be back at my desk till next Wednesday! And THEN... I'll be off that Friday and following Monday... gotta love life after 4/15.

So we've got a fun weekend planned! My parents are renting a lake house over the weekend, so we're going to join them tomorrow night with the dogs. Well, Gertie will be spending the night with one of her buddies, as our three dogs plus my parents' giant Golden is a bit too much dog. But Belly and Charlie will be lake bound (just don't tell Gertie - as far as she knows, they're going to the vet). We actually live right by Lake Lanier, but this house is on the more northern side of the lake. So it's a nice little getaway without being much of a getaway.

And Sunday I'm hosting another clothing swap!!! SO excited... it's been like 18 months or so since I last hosted one, so it's been far too long. And y'all know I've been on serious shopping hiatus forEVER, so momma needs some new clothes! They're so fun anyway, but I think with everyone being a little more budget-conscious these days, people appreciate them even more. I hope I get away with some fab loot! And I still have quite a bit of stuff to purge from my own closet even though I haven't added much too it lately. So that's part of what I'm doing today... getting my closet cleaned out!

If you're not familiar with clothing swaps, here's the Buford Betty swap how-to. The only rule I have is that you must bring at least 5 pieces to participate. Other than that, it's a free-for-all. People always bring way more than five pieces - it's never been an issue. It's such a fun get-together with the girls and it's very easy and cheap to do (or this girl wouldn't be doing it).

I'm about to get dressed and hit up Costco. Then I'm FINALLY getting a haircut today alla Great Clips. Old me would've turned my nose up at that but new me is thrilled. I don't have any problem getting a 'tweener cut at a cheap place. Just gotta get those dead ends off. More like murdered. Ugh, so overdue for this.

Gotta go compile my to-do list... later!

Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Tax Man Cometh!

Happy April 15th!!!  This was a very long tax season...  so glad to see this day finally!  Just had a great *free* lunch at P.F. Chang's...  now we're gearing up for our 4/15 party at a local tavern...  life is good.
Didn't get the pedi in that I was hoping for today, so I'm thinking the hub and I should go together tomorrow!  We haven't had pedi's together in forever.  He loves them - don't let him tell you differently.  And holy crap do I need a haircut.  The bottom 2 inches of my very long hair looks like I've run it through a paper shredder.  Lots of damage from blow drying and curling day after day after day.  I have to curl it to hide the damage.  Which further damages it.  Vicious cycle.  I just need some serious grooming now that I'm coming out of my cave.
I've missed y'all!  Can't wait to catch up... 

Friday, April 9, 2010

Happy Friday!

Still alive here... just buried in work.  But the end is in sight.  It's been nothing but work/sleep/work/sleep this week.  Nothing new here otherwise.  Charlie is still doing great and wagging his tail.  Alright, back to work...  I'll return when I have life again.
Enjoy the gorgeous weekend, Atlanta girls! 

Thursday, April 1, 2010


Just got a tweet from church to read this passage in preparation for tomorrow's Good Friday service...


 36Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, "Sit here while I go over there and pray." 37He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38Then he said to them, "My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me."

 39Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will."

Matthew 26:36-39 



Note to self: Bring Kleenex tomorrow.