We had another ultrasound this morning! Everything is right on schedule and measuring 8w2d. And we got to HEAR the heartbeat this time! So cool... BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM. And we could even see the little nut moving around some. The baby is about the size of (and looks like) a gummy bear... he/she measured 1.88cm long today. Apparently the head is on the right side in this picture (so they say). Wow, so grateful.
Dr. T thinks this one's a keeper. I do too, but shoot - you just never know. We're still a LONG way from holding a baby in our arms, but so far so good! My miscarriage rate dropped to less than 5% today - that was great to hear. And Dr. T is continuing to slowly back me off my meds. The best news? I now only have to do the nasty PIO shots every other day! Hallelujah - some much needed reprieve for my bum. I'm also cutting the Estrace (estrogen) back to one dose a day (rather than two). That's a welcome change, too.
We go back for one more ultrasound with Dr. T next Friday and then I'll officially be released to my OB! I'm excited to move forward, but I gotta say it's going to be bitter sweet... I love my RBA team - they've been fighting this battle with us for over 4 years. I don't know what it's going to be like being thrown into the pool with all the normal fertiles!
The hub asked me yesterday if I'm no longer bothered by pregnant people, now that we're pregnant. No, I still do a mental eye-roll when I see a big belly. Because chances are they fell into their husband's lap one afternoon and turned up pregnant. Does that ever go away? Yeah, probably not. And when do I get to relax and enjoy all this? I am excited, don't get me wrong. But for the most part, I would describe myself as void of emotion right now over all this. I'm not fearful, but I think I'm heavily guarded. Sadly, years of infertility make pregnancy rather terrifying. It's hard to just completely let go and be joyful. And I also think there's a lot of disbelief... like when will it seem real? When I can feel the baby? It's such an exciting thing, and overall I think I'm handling it well, but the unknown is so scary. It all makes me think of one of Drew Barrymore's quotes in Never Been Kissed...
"...for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it, and so scared that it will go away at the same time."
18 comments:
YAY for another great appointment!! So glad things are going well for you! That is a big step to be released to your OB! Congratulations again. I've been thinking about you a ton!
I think what you're feeling is completely normal and is what I've experienced with my current pregnancy. (I'll be 28 weeks tomorrow, and I STILL can't believe I've made it this far, even though it feels much more real now than it did 20 weeks ago.) It's helped me to just try to take things step by step, one week or day at a time, and not let people push me into getting ahead of myself. People will do that, and they'll criticize you for being cautious, even if they know what you've been through, but don't worry about them. Avoid them if you have to. Just do what feels comfortable now. And the joy and love will come, don't worry.:)
Well said my friend. I was telling someone the other day how I was CHECKING IN to Labor and Delivery and was like "hmm..maybe I AM going to have a baby", and how if I could have spent the entire 40 weeks with those monitors on me I would have. Like I've told you, THAT'S one of the thing that makes me the most angry about infertility. That said, praying that you can rejoice and celebrate each moment!! And yeah,I was so sad to leave RBA...I made Dr. S cookies. No lie. And definitely asked him if he'd consider just sticking it out and delivering me. ;)
I've been praying all along. I appreciate your honesty and you sharing this journey!!
that's the cutest gummy bear ever!
i will be honest...with me the fear (and the guard i had put up) never went away until i held my baby. isn't that sad? i so wish i could have enjoyed my (most likely) only pregnancy i'll ever have...but i couldn't. i will say once you do hold that child it makes all of the journey worth it though. :-)
That *is* a cute gummy bear. I'm so excited for you. I have to say, the feelings lessen but don't completely go away. I'm also 28 wks and won't relax completely until we have the baby here. I'm sure I'll transfer these worries into others. With the experience I've had, I don't feel like I've crossed to the other side, if there is one. I still think about the baby I lost. Also can't say I feel connected to pregnant women more. However I *do* feel like I know why some look very, very uncomfortable. *lol*
Grrrr, this infertility stuff SUCKS! I just hate it for you and all my friends who struggle with this that you can't enjoy pregnancy (or should I say, be excited about it, because I never once enjoyed a day of pregnancy, honestly. Appreciated it, yes. Enjoyed it, no. ;)) Judging from all the comments, this is obviously completely normal for someone who has walked this hard path like you, but it's still just so freaking messed up that you guys get this far and joy is still elusive. I'm gonna pray that another miracle happens along with the one you've already got - that you can feel some true joy and excitement in the next eight months. And like I told Jill at least once, I'm sure, I'll be happy for you! :) Hugs!
I'm so glad everything is going well! I have a good feeling that everything is going to be just fine for you with this baby. You will probably be calmer when you are in the second trimester and can feel the baby move. It's nice to get that reassurance that he/she is doing OK in there.
Okay you totally stole our gummy bear line! That was the first thing that popped into my head when I saw our ultrasound! Too funny!
I know how you feel about being sad to say goodbye to the infertility team. They transitioned me out completely two weeks ago and I'm only back for medication oversight (which is likely going to end next week). It's very frustrating going to a new place that doesn't know me or my story yet! (Although I am totally jealous that you are getting so many ultrasounds! We got one and then only got the second because I burst into tears when I found out they weren't going to do a second one!)
At this point, the best thing we can do is just stay cautiously optimistic. We're out of the darkest part of the woods, but not quite into the wide open field!
I'll be sending good vibes your way!
Well said. I'm almost 20 weeks now and it still doesn't seem real (maybe the insane growth of my tatas will make it seem more real?!). And this is coming from someone who had it "easy" compared to you! We finally started telling the general public after our 18 week ultrasound, and of course people thought we were nuts for waiting that long to share the news and being so cautious, our immediate families in particular. My mom of all people kept on asking me if I was excited about it (her definition of excitement is telling the world and talking about it 24/7-not something I wanted to do, especially when I was so guarded about the whole thing and just trying to take it one day at a time)-it was a completely ridiculous thing to ask when I worked 3+ years for it!! Infertility is just a completely different world and it's hard for people to understand sometimes. Moving to the normal OB world will be a shock to the system! :)
Congrats on your gummy - he/she is adorable! Praying for your amazing days of pregnancy enjoyment that are soon to come. We all move at our own pace. And remember that the pregnancy journey is only a second in comparison to a lifetime with your beautiful child!
Hi sweetheart
My comment is from a song sung by Eva Cassidy and later by Norah Jones - "You take my breath away" - Amanda, Your honesty and your ability to stay in touch with your feelings is amazing. My prayer is that soon the joy will start creeping in and push the fear back in a corner. Love you.
So glad all is going well!! And that quote is perfect. xoxo
Yayyy for a great appointment! I've been praying for you for quite some time, and will continue to do so. And that is such a beautiful quote! It is so fitting for so many scenarios in life.
So happy for you. Reading this post made me emotional. I wish nothing but the BEST BEST BEST for you, hubs, and your (yes, your!) gummy bear. God bless.
Oh Betty, your words are beautifully spoken. What an amazing time in your life. Keep us informed and I'll keep saying prayers for you and the gummy bear!!
I could have written this post. We had our 8 week ultrasound and we saw our guy wiggling around and looking like a gummy bear too!
Oh. My. Goodness. I have been out of the blogosphere for a few months, and I am so happy, happy, happy to come back and read that you are preggo! Congrats to you and the hubs - I can't think of anyone who deserves this more! So happy! I am wishing you the easiest of pregnancies to make up for all the years of BS you have had to go through to get here (not that anything really makes up for it, but you deserve an easy peasy 9 months).
YAY! I am still so excited for you. I am so glad things are going well.
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