Buford Baby Update

I was up at at 'em early yesterday morning... 7am appointment at RBA for more bloodwork. And then back to work to wait, wait, and wait some more on the results. Highly annoying for this impatient one! Finally around 2 o'clock, the hub got a hold of one of the nurses with the results. (We're supposed to wait on them to call us, but well...) So the hub calls me at work and immediately by his tone I can tell it's not good. In his upbeat-but-serious voice, he's like, "well, it's not great news."

The news is my HCG levels were almost nil yesterday (whereas they were over 100 on Thursday). In a normal pregnancy, they should be doubling about every 48 hours, NOT going backwards. They said I had what's called a chemical pregnancy - basically just a very early miscarriage. A lot of women have them without ever realizing they were pregnant... it can just look like a late period. Kinda makes me wonder if I've ever had one before. I've definitely had a strangely late period here and there, but never a positive pregnancy test. Who knows... Anyway, they said if I hadn't started spotting/bleeding yet (which I hadn't), I should soon. And then we'd go ahead and move on to round #2.

So yeah, yesterday was a big let down. I absolutely hate crying in public, so at about 2:15 I left work without saying anything and drove over to my parents' house. They live super close to my office. I just sat with my mom and we both cried it out. I just needed to get in a good immediate cry... I really hadn't cried AT ALL about the actual pregnancy and it just all came out. Flood gates open. It was good though. I went back to work afterwards and was able to hold it together the rest of the afternoon. And I promptly informed the hub that we would need a calorie fest and a movie marathon last night and he of course obliged. Yeah, here's what I ate...

• McD's double cheeseburger value meal with diet coke
• plus 1/2 of the hub's fries (that's right - in addition to MY fries)
• plus 2 of the hub's McNuggets (which are pretty grody but I didn't care)
• Cookies & Cream milkshake from Chick-fil-A (and I ate the whole damn thing.)

Oh but girls, I'm watching my waistline - so I said 'no whip' on the shake. "Dodgeball" was on TV so we watched that. Then I caught what will be one of the 500 replays of the MTV Movie Awards from this past weekend. And I did absolutely nothing else. There's a pile of laundry calling my name, but I didn't care. I just needed to veg - something I RARELY do. But it's just what I needed.

I woke up yesterday thinking I was pregnant, and went to bed last night knowing I wasn't. It's so weird how our realities have changed back and forth so quickly over the past few days. I of course am heartbroken, but we knew very well that this was certainly a possibility. And honestly, if it wasn't going to be a viable pregnancy, I rather lose it now than several weeks down the road. But no matter how you rationalize it, it still sucks. It still hurts. I hadn't yet let myself get too excited about being pregnant since it was so early, but I still wanted to believe.

But either way, knowing we can GET pregnant is still such a huge hurdle for us. It puts us in another league, and that is definitely reason to celebrate. With every prayer asking God for this baby to stick, I first thanked him for getting us this far. Every day was progress, even if it was the last. So while our hearts are heavy right now, we're still so grateful and I feel so loved by God right now. I can just feel his arms around me - when I need him the most.

This morning after making my (still decaf) coffee, I went in our guest bedroom and shut the door to pray. I STILL had no signs of any spotting, so of course I prayed that if there was any chance of a healthy miracle here, I'm in. But if this bird is getting kicked out of the nest, let's just get it done so we can move on. And I thanked him again for getting us where we are.

A few minutes later I sat down to spill this all out to y'all. Then I had to run to the bathroom mid-sentence and sure enough... there was Flo making her way in the front door. I just kind of laughed. That's got to be record timing for an answered prayer.

We're due to see my doctor later this week to make sure my HCG levels have gone all the way back to pretty much zero and we'll get started again. So just keep us in your prayers! It's a rough week, but we're definitely OK. The love and support we've gotten from friends and family is tremendous and so humbling. Thanks again for ALL your sweet and encouraging words. I will certainly keep you posted as we progress. xoxoxo