Dear Britney,

What the effity eff? Is THAT what you call a comeback? Are you freaking kidding me? Either you were still drunk from partying the night before or you mistook last night's "performance" for the dress rehearsal. Or DID you? That outfit was horrendous. I'm sure you could've pulled it off in your pre-Federline days, back when you were kicking ass, but not last night. Don't get me wrong, you look damn good for someone who's popped out two neglected children... but I don't need to see your butt cheeks. And perhaps a few more crunches wouldn't hurt before baring that belly next time. Or better yet - let's just cover it up some - you're a momma now, for crying out loud. You poor thing, you keep forgetting that, don't you?!

And momma, we all know you lip synch on stage. And with intense dance performances like yours (used to be), that's usually forgivable. But what the hell was that last night? You couldn't even keep up with your own track! You literally looked like you were marking the routine as if it was a walk-through. I mean your back-up dancers were totally kicking your tail. They are supposed to back you up, not out-shine you. I can only imagine the look on Lynne Spears' face sitting at home watching this unfold.

I was SO excited about this performance and I was totally pulling for you. I just knew you were gonna bring it. I had Tivo rolling, all TV's in the house tuned in, stopped eating my mongolian beef, and even screamed a little bit out of excitement just before you came on. Well not only did you not bring it - you apparently don't even know where you left it. And no, I don't want to hear any excuses about nerves or not being prepared. Your dancers were prepared. And you're a pro (or you were). You had a good hit song and you had no reason not to just kill it last night. Boooooooo!!!!!! I am beyond pissed off at you!

Sincerely,

Buford Betty

P.S. Justin Timberlake is laughing his ass off right now.

P.P.S. I heard you cried backstage afterwards. I would have too!

P.P.P.S. I love you and I'm totally buying your new album when it comes out.